Friday, May 21, 2010

Identity Crisis, sort of

Sometimes, lately, I find myself thinking to myself, "This is not who I am supposed to be." Hmm. What does that mean exactly? I am not entirely sure. This recurring phrase pops into my brain at the most random and sometimes unexpected times. Like, today, for example. I was driving home from some serious errand running. I turned onto my street, that I love. The day was beautiful, everything looked fantastic, super-imposed, brilliant colors, early dusk (one of my favorite times of the day). Boom. There it was. That thought. What does it mean exactly? I don't get it.

I've had the thought while at the grocery store, at church, at home, in my room, on a walk, there is no rhyme or reason to when the thought will present itself. It just does. It is extra weird because I think that I am essentially happy with my life. Very strange. I will continue to ponder this cryptic message to myself from myself.


Kazzy said...

I get what you are saying. I wonder if the mid-life thing is real. Not that it always has to be about buying a sports car or leaving your family, but that we naturally reevaluate who we are and what we think about, etc. I have similar thoughts sometimes, especially when I feel like the days just tick by and I do the same things over and over.

I think it is a good thing to feel instinctively inquisitive, as long as we are devoted and dedicated to family and faith. You are so on the right track (I hope, because I am right behind you on the train)!!

Danielle said...

Interesting thought.I think your spirit is trying to tell you something. Like the quote, "We are not temporal beings having a spiritual experience now and then. We are spiritual beings having a temporal experience." Maybe your spirit is trying to keep you grounded in the Lord.

My thought that reoccurs is, "My life is not turning out quite the way I anticipated." Sometimes I look back on my life and wonder if I planned any of it.

But, like you, I am happy for the most part with my life. Sometimes I feel like I've had a charmed life. Other times, I think AAACCCKK!

A favorite quote from years ago. "Still achieving, still pursuing. Learn to labor and to wait."

misssrobin said...

I have found that I get that feeling when I am no longer choosing to live my life but am running on automatic. I have to take a break, reconnect with the inner me, and start choosing again instead of just taking things as they happen.

Don't know if that's your thing or not.

Denice said...

Ahh, yes, definitely can relate to this feeling. Mid-life? Maybe. Postpartum? Maybe that, too. So much time slips by survived rather than lived intentionally. Natural consequence of continual breathing, I suppose. But a re-examination phase is most definitely in order.

Speaking of time slipping by, I have just spent waaaaay too much time catching up on all your posts. I must be insane to be up this late when Violet is sleeping. Nevertheless, you have inspired me to get blogging again. We'll see how well I keep up.


Anonymous said...

I live that way all the time, but this is about you. Think about what you would change. You have the gospel, the partner, the kids, even the house you love. You love every one of those parts of your life. You have a job that you love. You are getting more education, which you love. I agree with the Robin, you have zero "me" time. You need to set aside some time for yourself. Maybe not in the next 24 days, but soon after that, you need to think about Dona.